my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
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When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit