My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
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DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
*eats only grass-fed donuts
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…