My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
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Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
The old gods are rising again.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.