@mattZillaaaa: My friends are like "hey come camping with us this weekend" & I'm like "I can't, I have to get new friends"
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@daemonic3: Can me and you go out sometime? "No, your grammar is too poor" Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
@david8hughes: [911 call] "My hand's stuck in a blender!" "Turn it on then." "What?" " I can't hear it, turn it on so I know you're not lying."
@ranndrew: "Thats a killer dirt bike you've got, man!" *dirt bike holds a knife to your throat* Believe me...I know.
@_4kidscrazy: Me: *shakes bosses hand* Sorry I'm late to the meeting boss. Boss: No problem, restroom? Me: Yes, and we're out of TP and hand soap again.