My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
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Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you