@mattZillaaaa: My friends are like "hey come camping with us this weekend" & I'm like "I can't, I have to get new friends"
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@just1fool: Apparently there's this Pokemon character that's a pile of garbage with a face so now I'm famous I guess.
@Abusitron: Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye. Customer: Really? I don't like it. Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
@causticbob: Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn't work. The dog probably just thinks, "Awesome, now we're both barking."