@mattZillaaaa: My friends are like "hey come camping with us this weekend" & I'm like "I can't, I have to get new friends"
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@Cataractsat41: The second my daughter gets her own place, I’m coming over and clogging her toilet.
@NicestHippo: "So did you get lucky last night?" You better believe it! [flashback to me making all green lights omw home after girl refused to kiss me]
@neonwario: Ah yes. I've linked my Twitter to my Wordpress, and my LinkedIn to Klout. Now it's time to interface my Acura ILX with a giant redwood
@protolalia: He paid me $150 for the "girlfriend experience," so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.