@mattZillaaaa: My friends are like "hey come camping with us this weekend" & I'm like "I can't, I have to get new friends"
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@jordan_stratton: Whenever you're feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
@ericsshadow: [wife frantically searching the house] Have you seen the kids, I've looked everywhere [me napping on couch] OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
@honeybadgerMel: Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
@stephenjmolloy: Doctor: "You have lost a lot of blood." Me: "That's not good." Doctor: "It's not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen."