@mattZillaaaa: My friends are like "hey come camping with us this weekend" & I'm like "I can't, I have to get new friends"
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@MissNaughty1801: 7y:why are you putting make up on? Me:to look nicer 7y:when does it start working?
@CornOnTheGoblin: [leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn't know they were going to do that "Just take me home"
@melpraktis: When people say "You look so familiar" responding with "Were we in prison together?" is almost always a conversation killer.