My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
You Might Also Like
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
Speak now or ever hold your peace
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question