My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
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please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early