@DirtMcTurd: My friends call me Superman, not because I help people, its because I wear the same clothes everyday
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@stacetoned: If you feel like someone is playing mind games with you, they totally are and you should kill them before they kill you.
@_davidlucas_: *At the ouija board* Me: Err... mom? Can't we just... Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
@sarcasticmommy4: I'm not a helicopter mom. I'm more of a "come & get me only if there's blood" kind of mom.
@trojansauce: [about to have sex] WIFE: what happened to all the condoms?! [cut to] ME: *making balloon animals at work* [cut back] ME: affair