I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
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Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Cheers Twitter.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery