@parker287: My friend's crazy, he left a bunch of chocolate balls on the floor in his cat's litter box, they're not that good.
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@stevevsninjas: wife: what's wrong? slug: boss said I work slowly. wife: he's harsh. take it with a grain of- slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
@iwearaonesie: [on the phone] wife: My mom tripped over the dog me: Is she ok? wife: Yeah me: Can I talk to her? wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
@Brampersandon_: [Me]: What's a snowman's favorite drink? [Bartender]: idk [Me]: Brrrr-bon lol [Bartender]: ... [Me]: jk snowmen don't drink they aren't real
@internetluke: [vet office] Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up. *doctor walks out* "Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we- I'll take my cat elsewhere