@mattZillaaaa: My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
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@XplodingUnicorn: My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
@shanethevein: Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in "I recommend the squirrel".
@TheToddWilliams: [grocery produce aisle] ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots? CLERK: No, why do you ask? CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
@AmericanGent69: Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement. It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.