@mattZillaaaa: My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
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@Mister_Gravity: I don't understand the big hubbub about missing divers. They're probably just underwater.
@RobElliottComic: Me: congrats! Are you pregnant? Her: (awkwardly) Noooo... Me: *panics* do you wanna be? -great save- thanks brain
@iamburtjarvis: me: wanna hang out? southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah me:
@bourgeoisalien: 5 years ago when 'House of Cards' started we said, 'That's so scary.' Now Trump is here and we're like, 'hahaha, House of Cards is adorable'