My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
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How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
Just parrot things
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.