My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
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I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.