MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
You Might Also Like
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
we’re dead?
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
Me, reading some of your tweets
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.