My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
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Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
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“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.