My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
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Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure