These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
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Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
This checks out
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!