My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
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*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.