My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
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MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.