My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
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Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
went fishing caught a bass
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.