My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
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An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.