What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
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The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
I am all good here, 😂😉
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
I don’t hate children, just yours.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.