[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
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Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
this is the best interaction on twitter
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.