@VenisVal: My friend's wife is so controlling. When they're together, he talks like he's filming a hostage video.
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@TheRolo: Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
@daemonic3: [trying to impress fiancée's entire family] Waiter: Your bill for- Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE "SUBTOTAL"?!?
@WheelTod: Major milestone today -- found my first grey pubic hair! But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.