@VenisVal: My friend's wife is so controlling. When they're together, he talks like he's filming a hostage video.
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@dafloydsta: [at a funeral] *approaches the weeping widow and embraces her* *whispers* "So you're single now, right?
@Playing_Dad: Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control I'm stepping through the door & I'm floating in a most peculiar way GC: New phone. Who dis?
@jwoodham: Most people don't know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
@relatabledad: dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i'm not a virgin... i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom