Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
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I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.