My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
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I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.