[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
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Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
this is 10/10 content no notes
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school