[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
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*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
I’m awake but I object,
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?