[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
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FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
I have never related to anyone more.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
This is the best one I’ve seen
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.