[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
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This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.