[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
You Might Also Like
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
Chemical wingman
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy