My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
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WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
The 6 types of sex
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…