My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
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*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Its true…
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out