@castabignet: My "Game of Thrones" is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
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@chimneyspotter: *opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out* But that means [cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
@TheTweetOfGod: Instagram is experiencing difficulties. Until further notice, please cease visually chronicling the tedious mundanities of your life.
@thetobbie: ME: Have you seen my denim jacket? GF: No, but it's okay. Just checked the weather & it's not going to be the 1980s today...
@SkinnieTalls: To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver's license.