My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
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*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?