My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
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Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
My dog ate my work from home.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week