I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
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Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
Investing in beetcoin
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.