my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
You Might Also Like
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
What the hell is going on?
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.