i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
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I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”