My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
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“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.