My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
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[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …