My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
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Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
sleeping beauty
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”