@Sean_Burgundy_: My gf always tells me to shower her with compliments, but when I woke her up with the hose while calling her beautiful she yelled at me
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@SethMacFarlane: I wish I could explain to my cat that when I sneeze it doesn't mean the world is ending.
@LLBadge: My GPS just did a shoulder shrug and said, "uhm, take a left here?" This can't be good.
@QwertyJones3: [gynecologist making small talk during an exam] DOCTOR: So you're in the military? HER: Yes DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
@Lisa_Laughs_: I'm fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?