@Sean_Burgundy_: My gf always tells me to shower her with compliments, but when I woke her up with the hose while calling her beautiful she yelled at me
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@bazecraze: The whole purpose of travel is to return home and discover what your house actually smells like.
@JoePetroske: Interview Tip: When you get the "where do you see yourself in 5 years" question, don't say "post-apocalyptic tribal warlord".
@GrumpyBahr: Sorry I haven't tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
@jordan_stratton: SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster's in there. ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?