@Sean_Burgundy_: My gf always tells me to shower her with compliments, but when I woke her up with the hose while calling her beautiful she yelled at me
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@Reverend_Scott: ME: You bring that cash you owe me? ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot. ME: No you didn't.
@Contwixt: Confidence is important. Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
@panmidwest: DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder? ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that's right
@BGH70: I'm watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.