For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
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Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.