Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 馃槓
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ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
[shakes fist at other fist]
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i鈥檓 wind chimes
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
No one:
Me trying to remember the person鈥檚 name I just met as they鈥檙e still talking:
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly 陆 a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3陆 kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
Oh, I鈥檒l take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
I鈥檓 going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.