Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
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I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
Comparing yourself to others
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.