@Zac_Franklin: my default response when someone questions a risky text of mine is "sorry, I was drunk." But now everyone thinks I'm an alcoholic so..shit.

@GrantTanaka: I've been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life's problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it

@Home_Halfway: ME: I've never "opened up to someone" like this before haha SURGEON: We have literally run out of anesthesia to give you, please be unconscious

@215potter: If the human race has a "signature move," its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.

@joejwest: ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair YOU: Ok ME: [drinks from toilet like dog] YOU: You've made your point I'll wash up some glasses