@Zac_Franklin: my default response when someone questions a risky text of mine is "sorry, I was drunk."
But now everyone thinks I'm an alcoholic so..shit.
@GrantTanaka: I've been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life's problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
@Home_Halfway: ME: I've never "opened up to someone" like this before haha
SURGEON: We have literally run out of anesthesia to give you, please be unconscious
@215potter: If the human race has a "signature move," its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
@joejwest: ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You've made your point I'll wash up some glasses
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