@RalphSudafed: My gf asked if I liked her more than I like chicken, and all I could say was "well I have known chicken longer..."
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@Zac_Franklin: my default response when someone questions a risky text of mine is "sorry, I was drunk." But now everyone thinks I'm an alcoholic so..shit.
@GrantTanaka: I've been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life's problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
@Home_Halfway: ME: I've never "opened up to someone" like this before haha SURGEON: We have literally run out of anesthesia to give you, please be unconscious
@215potter: If the human race has a "signature move," its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.