It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
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if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.