Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.

Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.

Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now

Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:

• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It All

Please let me know if there are any more.

ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.

I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.

[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*

My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.

Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.

just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.

dogs can find happiness so easily

interviewer: why do u want this job

me: i love health insurance

Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.

Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅

Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain

Mary: Jesus stop complaining

Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel

Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆

Picture the perfect woman.

Wrong.

You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.

The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.

Mission control: what’s happening up there??

Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem

Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.

My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.

Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there

Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”

Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.

At least, I think it went south.

Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.

I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.

Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.

[working at a candle factory, day four]

ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.