My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
You Might Also Like
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…