Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
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Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
yes, those are my real potatoes.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
selena gomez
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.