@DownFrontArtist: My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
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@doktorj: Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean? Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
@Dani_Feld: Dear millionaires, If you don't have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you're spending it wrong.
@CorkyCrash: I've become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
@daemonic3: 911: What's your emergency? "I put the Ford in affordable housing." 911: Are you flirting? "No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP"