@causticbob: My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I've only ever known her as Christine
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@themorris23: I use the word "thingy" when I cant think of the word: Me- Are you picking up the "thingy's?" Wife- ...you mean your kids? Me- Dont judge me
@TheHyyyype: TEACHER: That's the third time this week - please explain your tardiness ME: Well, it basically means that I've been late
@dance_blessed: Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you're also white.
@simoncholland: I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.