HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
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*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
Why font matters.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?